


Didn't Want To Be Your Ghost

by sinshine



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, M/M, More angst, resurrected!Hide theory, tgre spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-07 22:01:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11067999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinshine/pseuds/sinshine
Summary: Hide seemed to be happiest when they would just sit together quietly like they used to.





	Didn't Want To Be Your Ghost

It isn't like how he thought it would be.

When Kaneki first heard about Kanou's latest pet project, it had been easy to think of the zombies that were popular in films right now. He imagined empty husks of people that were all gaping maws, decaying flesh, and blind instinct. Kaneki thought that raising the dead could only be a grotesque business. However, he had forgotten that despite Kanou's tendencies to behave as a mad scientist, there was a certain degree of finesse to his work as well.

Kaneki expected Hide's skin to be cold, but he was warm. Not as warm as he remembered- certainly not as warm as a human should be- but warm nonetheless. His smell was strange, too. Hide didn't smell like a dead thing, but he didn't smell very much like himself either. It was more like the absence of a scent that Kaneki found odd. But his eyes were bright and alert and his wit was as sharp as ever. He was stronger now, too.

“But not as strong as you!” Hide had laughed. “Dang, man, when did you get so buff? Were you always hiding those washboard abs under your sweaters?”

And then Hide would change the subject, the way he always did when Kaneki started asking questions. He seemed to be happiest when they would just sit together quietly like they used to. Kaneki would open a book and Hide would lean on him and pretend to read over his shoulder but would probably just nap.

“Aren't you bored?” Kaneki had asked once. Nostalgia made him keenly aware of the absence of a music player or handheld gaming device.

“No,” Hide mumbled sleepily near his left ear, “It's nice to just... be here.”

Kaneki was beginning to understand what he meant.

They kissed sometimes. Hide was reluctant, but he had never been very good at saying 'no' to Kaneki. Especially not when Kaneki was cradling his face and looking at him in just the way that Hide had always imagined he might one day. But he never let them go any farther than that. Hide felt too aware of the neat, clean surgical scars that covered his body. He had adopted Kaneki's penchant for oversized sweaters.

“The others don't have scars like you,” Kaneki said. His eyes fell upon the jagged scar at Hide's throat; the one mark that he didn't mind showing. Kaneki thought it should have been the blemish that Hide would want to hide the most, but instead he displayed it like a medal of valor.

“I'm special,” Hide replied flippantly. Then more solemnly, “I was the first.”

Kaneki's apology was on the tip of his tongue but Hide shook his head.

“If you say 'I'm sorry' one more time, I'm never going to speak to you again.”

“Yeah right,” Kaneki laughed weakly. He felt the weight of regret squeezing the breath from his lungs. “Like you could ever stop being chatty.”

“Just try me.” Hide smirked.

Kaneki didn't press the issue. There was already too much time and too many words lost between them. It was better to fill the space they had left with happier things.

“We should travel more.” Kaneki curled against Hide on their bed, his hand playing with the collar of Hide's sweater. Well, with his own sweater that Hide happened to be wearing. “I've never been that far outside of Tokyo. I'd like to see more of the country.”

Hide's hand had been idly stroking Kaneki's hair, but now it stilled.

“If you're feeling up to it, we could even do the islands. Maybe go all the way down to Okinawa.”

“...Kaneki.”

“I don't really like boats, you know, but something like that could be worth it.” Kaneki could feel himself shake. His hands were clenched tightly, the nails digging into his palms. His voice cracked and he pressed his face against Hide's chest. “Hide, _please_.”

Hide wrapped his arms around Kaneki, hugging him but not too tightly. He felt the front of his shirt dampen with hot tears. “That's a good idea,” he said mildly, “I've always wanted to see the rabbit island.”

Hide let it go, until one day he found a travel magazine stuffed down at the bottom of Kaneki's rucksack.

“I wish you had asked before going through my things,” Kaneki said coolly. He reached for the magazine but Hide snapped it out of his grasp.

“I was looking for toothpaste. What are you doing with this?”

“I like to read. I didn't think that needed explaining.”

“Kaneki-”

“Just let me have this.” Kaneki's veneer of composure was quickly falling apart.

“Kaneki, you have to be able to let me go.”

"Shut up!" Tears streamed down Kaneki's face. He was agitated enough that his left eye had started to turn dark. "Shut up! I'm so fucking tired of everyone telling me what I have to do. I don't _have_ to do anything! I don't-- I can't... I _can't_ , Hide."

"You can. I know you can."

"I can't watch you die again," Kaneki sobbed. "Don't make me watch you die again, _please_."

Hide didn't embrace him this time. He turned away from Kaneki, dropping the magazine on the floor as he left the room.

"I'm sorry," Hide said a few hours later. He had gone out for a supply run and come back to find Kaneki on the roof.

"No. You're right," Kaneki said sadly as Hide sat down next to him. He shuddered but it had nothing to do with the cold wind. "It's all going to end soon, isn't it?"

"I will. But I don't want you to." Hide reached into his plastic shopping bag and pulled out a magazine from in between the toiletries. Kaneki accepted it with trembling hands. It was a travel guide for Okinawa.

"I can't go without you."

"Of course you can." Hide put his arm around Kaneki's shoulders. "You'll have more fun without me. I would want to go to all the beaches but you'd be aiming for all the historical sites."

Kaneki leaned against Hide, hugging the magazine to his chest. "It would be better if you came. Then you could tease me for being a nerd while I dragged you to all the different monuments. Eventually, we would compromise by visiting some of the caves, which are both historically significant and objectively cool."

Hide laughed a little and Kaneki was pleased to hear that it was genuine.

"I want you to be able to focus on the future. Even if I'm not in it."

Kaneki thought he was beginning to understand. He watched Hide wake up next to him one morning. His brown eyes slowly focused on Kaneki, a small smile growing on his face. Then his features were suddenly overtaken by shock.

"Woah!" Hide put his hand in Kaneki's hair and ruffled it. "What the heck, man! Is this what's in style these days?"

"W-what?" Kaneki stammered.

"Your dye job! How did you get it this white? Are you trying to be a punk?"

"What?" Kaneki stared at him. He watched Hide's expression change as something seemed to slide into place.

"Uh." Hide awkwardly pat him on the head before pulling his hand back. "Sorry. I was still dreaming. Do you think we have any of that pancake mix left?"

"Hide...?"

"Right, right, I don't eat anymore. Just kidding!"

After that, Kaneki began to notice just how often Hide would forget things. It must have been happening for a while, but with instances small enough that Hide could hide their occurrence. Now they were becoming more and more frequent. Luckily, it never seemed to affect him during a fight, but sometimes Kaneki would catch Hide staring at him like he wasn't quite sure who he was.

Kaneki, who had been dodging mirrors for years, felt like he could relate.

The rest of Kaneki's team moved ahead of them in the sewers. This would hopefully be the first of a series of decisive victories. The plan was to cripple Kanou's undead army by attacking the research lab where their 'medicine' was produced. After that, those who had been resurrected would die off easily enough on their own. Hide had always claimed not to need as much as the others and that their dependency on the stuff was a leash that Kanou had engineered to keep them tethered to him. Quietly, Kaneki wondered if it was actually their limited access to the concoction that determined how often Hide ate. He wondered if Hide's memory would have fared better had he been able to ingest it every day, like the others. Kaneki caught Hide's hand and held him back.

“I love you,” Kaneki said. It sounded like an apology.

“I-” _I love you, too. So much. I'm really going to miss you._ Hide clenched his jaw. He didn't deserve to say those words. He knew what they would do to him; Kaneki would play them over and over in his head long after Hide had died and rotted in the earth. He would be anchored to this moment, the memory of what would probably be their final conversation. The only time in their long history that they would ever say those words out loud to each other.

“I know,” Hide said instead. He drew his lips into a tight line. _Insufficient._

Kaneki bit his lip and nodded. He started to move forward again but Hide squeezed his hand.

“The only thing I regret,” Hide smiled wistfully, “Was waiting so long to ask to hold your hand.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> sometimes you just wanna suffer, amirite? For more angst, please check out my new long fic Movie Loves a Screen. :] Thanks, guys!!


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